Sunday, November 30, 2008

Life's a beach

Beach hut
Beach bum
Beach house
Beach volley ball
Beach cafe
Beach ball
Beach babe
Sex on the beach
Beachcomber
Beach barbecue
Beach Melba
Each beach bear blum

Friday, November 28, 2008

Cheese

I likes it

Things you can't do

Have it both ways
Have your cake and eat it
Get blood out of a stone
Make an omelette without breaking eggs
Make a silk purse out of a sows ear
Run with the hare and hunt with the hounds
Teach an old dog new tricks
Judge a book by its cover
Shake hands with a clenched fist
Have a rainbow without rain
Fool all the people all of the time
Pick up two melons with one hand
Cheat an honest man

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Crunches ... 10 different ones

Credit crunch
Oil crunch
Climate crunch
Triple crunch (combination of the above)
Energy cruch
Abdominal crunches
Nestle Crunch
Le Crunch (England v France rugby match)
Cripple crunch (crack down on abuse of blue disks)
Raspberry ripple crunch (fictional biscuit)

Things you can jump

The gun
The shark
Ship
For joy
The queue
The broomstick
Over the moon
The tracks (if you are a train, or tram)

Sunday, November 23, 2008

English cocktail menu

Medicated Baileys Irish cream
Screaming baby
Grimsby sunrise
Morecambe bay surf
Road rage
Quick shag behind the wall
Knife fight in the pub car park
Deepfried Pernod and White Lightning
Shandy

Friday, November 21, 2008

Things which are for life, not just for Christmas

Dog
Murder
Scar tissue
Being disowned
Really bad grudges
Syphillis
Jesus

New age days of the week

Slothday
Workday
Beerday
Payday
Kebabday
Bed-day
Shoppingday

Fish beginning and ending with the letter 'K'

  1. King Sized Haddock
  2. Killer Shark
  3. Kilmarnock (Plaice in Scotland)

Worst Earthquakes

23-01, 1556 China, Shanxi 830.000 8,0
26-12, 2004 Indonesia, Sumatra 283.106 9.0 Deaths from earthquake & tsunami.
27-07, 1976 China, Tangshan 255.000 7.5 Estimated death toll 655.000.
09-08, 1138 Syria, Aleppo 230.000 ?
22-05, 1927 China, Xining 200.000 7.9 Large fractures
22-12, 1856 Iran, Damghan 200.000 ?
16-12, 1920 China, Gansu 200.000 7.8 Major fractures, landslides.
23-03, 1893 Iran, Ardabil 150.000 ?
01-09, 1923 Japan, Kanto 143.000 7.9 Great Tokyo fire.
05-10, 1948 USSR - Turkmenistan 110.000 7.3
28-12, 1908 Italy, Messina 70.000 7.2 Tsunami. Estimated death 100.000
?-09, 1290 China, Chihli 100.000 ?
?-11, 1667 Caucasia, Shemakha 80.000 ?
18-11, 1727 Iran, Tabriz 77.000 ?
01-11, 1755 Portugal, Lisbon 70.000 8.7 Great tsunami.
25-12, 1932 China, Gansu 70.000 7.6
31-05, 1970 Peru 66.000 7.9 Rock slides, floods.
?- ?, 1268 Asia Minor, Silicia 60.000 ?
11-01, 1693 taly, Sicily 60.000 ?
30-05, 1935 Pakistan, Quetta 30.000 7.5 Estimated death toll 60.000
04-02, 1783 Italy, Calabria 50.000 ?
20-06, 1990 Iran 50.000 7.7 Landslides.

Items remaining on my Christmas present list with a fair chance of not being scorned, mocked or otherwise ridiculed by my wife

Books
CDs

Items no longer appearing on my Christmas present list which were removed in anticipation of their being scorned, mocked or otherwise ridiculed etc...

Bread maker
Solar powered laptop charger
Dressing gown
Fiddle
Home brew kit
Scooter
Dog
Wireless enabled printer
Fish tank and fish
Nose hair clippers
Ukelele
Shed

Best Earthquakes

1.

May 22, 1960

Valdivia, Chile

9.5

2.

December 26, 2004

Sumatra, Indonesia

9.3

3.

October 16, 1737

Kamchatka, Russia

~9.3

3.

March 27, 1964

Prince William Sound, Alaska, USA

9.2

5.

November 4, 1952

Kamchatka, Russia

9.0

6.

January 26, 1700

Cascadia subduction zone

~9

7.

January 31, 1906

Colombia-Ecuador

8.8

8.

November 25, 1833

Sumatra, Indonesia

8.7

8.

February 4, 1965

Rat Islands, Alaska, USA

8.7

10.

November 1, 1755

Lisbon, Portugal

~8.7

11.

March 28, 2005

Sumatra, Indonesia

8.6-8.7*

12.

March 9, 1957

Andreanof Islands, Alaska, USA

8.6

12.

December 16, 1920

Ningxia-Gansu, China

8.6

12.

August 15, 1950

Assam-Tibet

8.6

15.

September 12, 2007

Sumatra, Indonesia

8.5

15.

December 16, 1575

Valdivia, Chile

8.5

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

War is heck ... some interesting sounding wars

Franco-Prussian
Gun
Peninsular
Civil, English
The Fronde
Peach tree
Quasi
Cold
Honey
Roses, of the
Thousand days
Ear, Jenkins
Smolensk
Snake
Opium
Zulu
Pastry
Anglo-Satsuma
Eight princes of China, of the
Three Henries, of the
Punic
Terrorism, against
6 days
Evelyn

There is more than one way to skin a cat ... 8 probably

With a sharp knife
With a flint
With nail clippers
Frighten it so that it jumps out of its skin
Pull hard
Gently ease it off
Dissolve it's insides somehow
With a dog

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Some Scandinavian slash Icelandic pop slash rock slash indie acts

Sigur Ros
Gus Gus
Daniel Agust
Amiina
Björk Guðmundsdóttir
Peter Bjorn and John
The Knife
Kent

Great culinary disasters of the modern age

Lemon stink bombe - Prague 1956
Salmon drizzle cake- Paris 1941
Garlic sorbet - London 1983
Beetroot Melba - Turin 1973
Liquorice ice cream with balsamic vinegar, crushed sea salt and peppercorns - Newcastle 2003
Boil in a bag part-baked baguette - Madrid 1981
Line caught herrings stuffed with sherbert - Padstow 1997
Partridge feathers in a white wine sauce - Basingstoke 1903
Prawn, chocolate and mince flan - Dublin 1968
Pike with minty custard - Lisbon 1913
Sow's face with raisin and cabbage stuffing and grilled shire-horse fetlocks - Salzburg 1929
'English lasagne' made from alternating layers of pancakes, baked beans, Smash and Marmite - Wembley 2001

Monday, November 17, 2008

Top school puddings circa 1970

Semolina with a dollop of rice
Sago
Rice pudding with a dollop of jam
Jam sponge with custard
Ground rice with a dollop of jam
Spotted dick with white sauce
Chocolate sponge with mint sauce
Jam roly poly with custard
Ginger biscut with cream
Custard

Saturday, November 15, 2008

List of salmon

Atlantic salmon
Chum salmon
King salmon
Danube salmon
Lake salmon
Pink or humbacked salmon
Silver salmon
Taimen
Sockeye salmon
Kokanee
Searunning taimen
Smoked salmon

Thursday, November 13, 2008

50 Ways to Leave Your Lover

  1. Slip out the back
  2. Make a new plan
  3. Hop on the bus
  4. Drop off the key
5-50. Unspecified

Names created using random horse name generator

http://www.ultimatehorsesite.com/info/names/generator.html

  1. Zealous drizzle
  2. Daughter of the Woman
  3. Knee high rust
  4. Borderline hero
  5. Moonstone maverick
  6. Spunky fury
  7. Dance for Romance
  8. Mighty sparrow
  9. Belly dancing tangerine
  10. Born for lace
  11. Hoof stun
  12. Legal trampoline
  13. Peanut butter sniper
  14. Sacred cat
  15. Freak plum

Supplement to list of non-SI units


.. .. as opposed to what, an unarmoured Chinese tank?

And what particular model of Chinese armoured tank cos you know the new type 99 weighs 51 tonnes which is a lot more than 37 tonnes.

Maybe they mean the old type 59 which weighed 36 tonnes, possibly 37 with crew and ammunition, but they stopped making those in 1980.

If you are going to use the Chinese armoured tank to illustrate the weight of a lot of potatoes you better make damn sure you know what you're talking about and keep up to date. Don't mess with the Chinese army. One needs to employ constant vigilance to keep up with the fast moving world of Chinese armoured tank technology and whenever they bring a new one out you must go and weigh it and then revise all of your publications in which you have used the Chinese armoured tank as a non-SI unit. These things go out of date so quickly.

This whole idea of expressing the mass of a bunch of spuds in tems of Chinese armoured tanks is fraught with danger. Couldn't they just use tonnes or something?

How big is a hectare anyway, compared to, say, the wingspan of a Russian Ilyushin-76 bomber?

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Artificial light sources

Light bulb
Tungsten halogen
High pressure sodium
Low pressure sodium
Fluorescent
Induction
Metal halide
Hydrargyrum quartz iodide
Mercury
LED
Glow worm's arse

Discredited theories

Communism
Capitalism
Fascism
Free trade
Flat earth
Hollow earth
Neptunism
Creationism
Gayness
God

Most Popular Pub Names

  1. Crown (704)
  2. Red Lion (668)
  3. Royal Oak (541)
  4. Swan (451)
  5. White Hart (431)
  6. Railway (420)
  7. Plough (413)
  8. White Horse (379)
  9. Bell (378)
  10. New Inn (372)

Monday, November 10, 2008

48 birds - genuine

  1. Great tit
  2. Blue tit
  3. Coal tit
  4. Crested tit
  5. Long tailed tit
  6. Marsh tit
  7. Willow tit
  8. Sombre tit
  9. Caspian tit
  10. Songar tit
  11. White-browed tit
  12. Pere David's tit
  13. Siberian tit
  14. Black breasted tit
  15. Rufous vented tit
  16. Spot winged tit
  17. Yellow bellied tit
  18. Elegant tit
  19. Palawan tit
  20. Grey crested tit
  21. White shouldered tit
  22. White winged black tit
  23. White backed tit
  24. Dusky tit
  25. Rufous bellied tit
  26. Cinnamon breasted tit
  27. Red throated tit
  28. Stripe breasted tit
  29. Acacia tit
  30. Miombo tit
  31. Ashy tit
  32. Southern grey tit
  33. Japanese tit
  34. Turkestan tit
  35. Green backed tit
  36. White winged tit
  37. Black lored tit
  38. Yellow cheeked tit
  39. Yellow tit
  40. White fronted tit
  41. Hume's ground tit
  42. Canary blue tit
  43. Azure tit
  44. Yellow breasted tit
  45. Varied tit
  46. Yellow browed tit
  47. Sultan tit
  48. Shag

Humorous Engineering Words

  • Flange
  • Shaft
  • Diaphragm
  • Ball cock
  • Clappered inlet valve
  • Wiggler
  • Clunge spinner
  • O-Ring
  • Bell
  • Grease nipple
  • Discharge
  • Orifice plate
  • Todge noggler

Friday, November 7, 2008

20 things that grow over the years

  1. debt
  2. alcohol intake
  3. depression
  4. tie knots
  5. cardigan collection
  6. leaning towards Tories
  7. number of enemies
  8. heating bills
  9. ownership of jig saw puzzles
  10. number of useless household gatgets
  11. garden weeds
  12. repulsiveness to opposite gender
  13. regrets
  14. CD collection
  15. fear
  16. waistbands
  17. collection of odd socks
  18. ears
  19. noses
  20. other unmentionable extremities

Things That Definitely Get Smaller Over The Years

  • Wagon Wheels
  • Mars Bars
  • Poppies
  • Polar Ice Caps
  • Mobile Phones
  • Brains
  • Rainforests
  • Playground Apparatus
  • Skirts
  • Presents
  • Days
  • Grandma

Real Tie Knots

Four in hand
Half Windsor
Windsor
Shell knot
Double knot
Double cross knot
Bow tie knot

Pork cuts

Pork Shoulder Arm Picnic

Pork Shoulder Arm Roast

Pork Shoulder Arm Steak

Pork Shoulder Blade (Boston) Roast

Pork Shoulder Blade Steak

Pork Cubes for Kebabs

Pork Hocks


Pork Loin Blade Roast

Pork Loin Blade Chops

Pork Loin Country-Style Ribs

Pork Loin Back Ribs

Pork Loin Center Rib Roast

Pork Loin Rib Chops (Center Cut Chops)

Pork Loin Center Loin Roast

Pork Loin Top Loin Chops

Pork Loin Butterfly Chops

Pork Loin Top Loin Roast Boneless (Double)

Pork Loin Chops

Pork Loin Sirloin Roast

Pork Loin Sirloin Chops

Pork Loin Sirloin Cutlets

Pork Loin Tenderloin Whole

Pork Spareribs

Fresh Side Pork

Pork Leg (Fresh Ham) Whole

Pork Leg (Fresh Ham) Shank Portion

Smoked Pork Shoulder Picnic Whole

Smoked Pork Shoulder Roll

Smoked Pork Hocks

Smoked Pork Loin Canadian-Style Bacon

Smoked Pork Loin Rib Chops

Smoked Pork Loin Chops

Smoked Ham Whole

Smoked Ham Shank Portion

Smoked Ham Rump Portion


Smoked Ham Center Slice

Slab Bacon

Sliced Bacon

Brick nomenclature


half or bat
three-quarter closure
quarter closure
king
closure
queen closure
split

Thursday, November 6, 2008

20 Little known tie knots

  1. Extended tickler
  2. Soup dipper
  3. Fishnet
  4. Double decker
  5. Twister
  6. Tweed strangler
  7. Trout
  8. Half Wilson
  9. Knitted
  10. Inverted bootlace
  11. Medium
  12. Slough
  13. Strap-on
  14. Toilet roll
  15. Fancy Dan
  16. Nostril cleaner
  17. Disposable
  18. Marginal
  19. Hangman's noose
  20. Temporary

To Do

  1. Pay phone bill
  2. Wash up
  3. Make bed
  4. Fill car with petrol
  5. Buy bread
  6. Tollerate children
  7. Exercise
  8. Make toast
  9. Upgrade memory on pc
  10. Check email
  11. Ironing
  12. Watch Sky Sports News for a bit
  13. Feed the birds
  14. Watch TV
  15. Call Mother
  16. On-line shopping
  17. Clean cat's dinner bowl
  18. Sigh
  19. Walk around the block
  20. Buy wine
  21. Drink wine
  22. Ponder
  23. Buy more wine
  24. Drink more wine
  25. Get a life

Top Ten Basic Boys Toys (in ascending numerical order)

  1. Football
  2. Penknife
  3. Catapult
  4. Stick
  5. Stone
  6. Piece of string with a sharp edge
  7. Matches
  8. Marbles
  9. Conker
  10. Spider
  11. Ants
  12. Dirt

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Fireworks

  1. Sparkler
  2. Catherine wheel
  3. Rocket
  4. Roman candle
  5. Banger
  6. reloadable aerial shells
  7. single-shot aerial tubes
  8. ground spinners
  9. pinwheels
  10. cake
  11. crackers
  12. mine
  13. black snake
  14. Tom Thums (South Africa)
  15. Three pronged attack
  16. Black widow (waterproof!)
  17. Supernova
  18. helicopters
  19. hot kebab
  20. green gob
  21. Golden shower
  22. Blue baboon
  23. Geordie trumpet

14 Trousers

  1. Long
  2. Short
  3. Baggy
  4. Jeans
  5. Chinos
  6. Oxford bags
  7. Breeches
  8. Lederhosen
  9. Tracht
  10. Combat
  11. Cycling shorts
  12. Umanori hakama
  13. The Wrong
  14. Exploding

Top Hats

  • Top Hat
  • Bowler Hat
  • Trilby Hat
  • Stetson
  • Panama Hat
  • Sombrero
  • Australian Hat with Corks on
  • Old Hat
  • Woolly Hat
  • Bucket Hat
  • Muskrat